INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
JESS and LAURENCE sit at the kitchen table chatting silently to each other. Their roommate KEVIN passes by on his way out. He has a trash bag with him.
KEVIN
Hey guys, I’m just gonna run this out to the dumpster and head to the store. Does anyone need anything?
JESS
Actually, Kevin, maybe hold up a sec
LAURENCE
Yeah, have a seat
KEVIN sits down at the table
KEVIN (Laughs)
Sure, what’s up? Emergency house meeting?
JESS
Sort of, yeah
KEVIN
I’m sorry I was late on the utility bill but I’ll make sure to-
LAURENCE
It’s not about that
KEVIN
Ok… Well I have all the trash out now so let me just take care of it and then we can talk?
JESS
This is what we wanted to talk to you about
LAURENCE
Yeah. You always take the trash out Kev, and we appreciate it. Really, we do! But it’s just…
KEVIN
What?
LAURENCE
It’s just…
JESS
You never let us go through it
LAURENCE
I mean yeah! You’ve got a bucket full of goodies there and we hardly get a peek before it’s off to the dump!
KEVIN
It’s trash. What else am I supposed to do with it?
JESS
Every week that basket of food scraps and knick-knacks gets whisked out the door without so much as a once-over! If we’re all gonna live together, that’s gotta change man
LAURENCE
It’s selfish, is what it is. It’s really selfish.
KEVIN
You want to go through the trash?
JESS AND LAURENCE
Yes
JESS
Look, I don’t know what Laurence throws away every day, do I? And we don’t know what you put in there. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, right? We’re sitting on 3 mens’ worth of treasure here! Every week!
LAURENCE
And if you want something from the trash, Kev? You don’t even have to ask. But you gotta leave it for all of us
KEVIN
I don’t want anything from the trash! It’s trash!
JESS and LAURENCE look at each other knowingly
JESS
Kevin…
KEVIN
What?
JESS and LAURENCE keep looking back at one another
KEVIN
Ok, so maybe I help myself to a little something here and there? But, like, only as I’m shaking out the bag! Or if it doesn’t fit in the bin.
LAURENCE
Sure, man. Sure…
JESS (Doing finger quotes)
“If it doesn’t fit”
KEVIN
Hey, I’m a good roommate. I do all my dishes
LAURENCE (Mumbling under his breath but loud enough to hear)
Doesn’t even offer us a lick either…
KEVIN
I keep the bathroom clean
LAURENCE
Oh come on, you flush so quick! We don’t even getta look!
JESS
I’m sorry Kevin. I’m with Laurence on this one
LAURENCE
Remember our last roommate? Donnie?
JESS
Ah yeah, now that was good trash.
LAURENCE
I still wear that retainer he chucked!
KEVIN
You’re right, you’re both right. I’ll be better
KEVIN digs through the trash in front of them
KEVIN
Look! Here, we can share this… ________!
Very good very funny