Riddle Me This
Script 1/17/23
EXT. CAVE - DAY
WIZARD, ROGUE, and KNIGHT stride forward and arrive together near the middle of the stage. Object work gripping swords and staffs etc. They lean in as the KNIGHT sets the stakes.
KNIGHT
Hark my fellow heroes! What lies beyond that cave is a beast most foul…
WIZARD
Yes. The prophecy foretold of this challenge!
ROGUE
Well whatever it is, we must pass its test to save the realm. It would be an honor to die in battle with you all.
KNIGHT
Wiser words were never spoken, my friend. Now, come out troll and do your worst!
Brief silence. The TROLL speaks from inside the cave.
TROLL
Just a minute!
The group look at one another.
KNIGHT
I said, we have come to face your cunning tricks. Show yourself!
TROLL
What? Ok, hold on a second, geez.
The TROLL emerges, looking tired and confused. He has a mug of coffee in hand.
TROLL
What is it? What do you want?
ROGUE
We must defeat you and gain passage to the dark underworld.
TROLL
Dark underworld? Dark under- Oh! Oh you're Lord Galveron's guys! I thought you weren't gonna be here for a while.
KNIGHT
Set us your riddles TROLL, no test is too much for my companions and I!
TROLL
Riddles? Fuuuuck! That's right! Hold on, I think I have something written down...
TROLL goes back into his cave and rummages around. He calls back out to the group.
TROLL
You know a couple days' warning would have been really nice.
He returns with a messy stack of papers, wrappers, receipts.
TROLL
Ok, ok, let's see here... You're sure it's riddles?
KNIGHT, WIZARD, and ROGUE
Yes!
TROLL
Ok no problem. (Reading) Uh... What has some or like what is a whole thing, you know? And then you take, uh you take the whole thing a way and you have some left?
WIZARD
Uh, the word 'wholesome'?
TROLL
(Impressed) Wow, yeah actually. That works. Whoa. You're really smart.
WIZARD
Is that the answer?
TROLL
Sure. Yeah. Now it is.
KNIGHT
Flattery will get you nowhere TROLL. Your next riddle! Now!
TROLL
That can just be it, if you guys wanna go on.
ROGUE
But the prophecy said there would be 3 riddles!
TROLL
Are you serious? 3 riddles?? Who knows 3 riddles?
TROLL sifts through his papers again.
KNIGHT
Don't fall for his tricks, friends. We will answer this wretched creature's puzzles.
TROLL
Ok, pause. 'Wretched creature' is a little harsh.
TROLL clears his throat and acts like he's reading but just tries to come up with a riddle on the spot.
TROLL
Umm, ok here. What is... what is like a billion? What is that? What is a billion?
ROGUE
'What is a billion?'
TROLL
Yeah, what is a billion? Like what is that?
WIZARD
Are you making these up as you go?
TROLL
No.
KNIGHT
Perhaps we should tell Lord Galveron the cave troll no longer poses a threat for travelers.
TROLL
Yo! Yo! What the fuck man!? You wanna get me kicked out of my cave, dude? Do I come to where you work and tell you what to do? I'm this close to making the final payment on this baby.
ROGUE
You paid to live in a cave?
TROLL
Yeah, actually buddy. I did. It's got cool pointy rocks, it echoes when you yell in it, and it’s in a great school district. And I took a shitty second job like this to pay for it.
From the cave, the TROLL'S partner TROLL HUSBAND, emerges looking sleepy and confused.
TROLL HUSBAND
Baby? What's going on out there? Why are you yelling?
TROLL
Just work stuff, honey, I'm sorry. Go back inside.
TROLL HUSBAND
We're missing jeopardy, baby. Come on, don't let this stress you out. The kids are gonna wake up.
TROLL
(Turning back to the HEROES) There, are you happy now?
The KNIGHT speaks to the TROLL HUSBAND. The TROLL HUSBAND starts massaging the TROLL's shoulders, similar to the WATERFALL COUPLE.
KNIGHT
Sorry, sir. We didn't mean to interrupt your evening.
TROLL
Ok I have a final riddle for you all. What sucks and is really rude and mean and also dumb and is rushing me when it's way past cave hours?
The HEROES all look at each other for a second.
KNIGHT, WIZARD, and ROGUE
Us?
TROLL
(Sarcastically) Great you got it! Ok, baby let's go inside.
TROLL and TROLL HUSBAND walk back into the cave. TROLL muttering to himself while TROLL HUSBAND tries to quietly console/de-stress him.
KNIGHT, WIZARD, and ROGUE look at each other for a little bit before uniting their fists in the air in victory.
KNIGHT, WIZARD, and ROGUE
Victory!!!!
BLACK OUT
phenomenal